we were both so young
there was so much more to say
please hear my heart speak
Today is that day. It's been 19 years since my mom's last birthday and her death the next day at the age of 56. I was 22. Somehow this all seems so much younger now than it did even then. A lot happens in that stretch of time, and there are certain moments when it's especially noticeable that my mom is gone. The big milestones are obvious, but in some ways it's the little ones that are harder. I remember the last time I saw my mom and knew that it was likely the last time. I tried so hard then to tell her everything I thought I would want her to know. It came out something like "I love you. I will never forget you. Thank you." In some ways, I suppose that's enough, and it hits the most important points, but how could I know all of the gazillion other things I'd want to say. So many of my friends get to call their moms regularly, and it's so beautiful. I'm not bitter and jealous about it, partly because I wasn't raised that way, but I notice it and admire and appreciate how special it is and do wish I could have that, another conversation with my mom about everything. Since I can't call or email, sometimes I just talk to her with my heart and hope that she can hear me.
More for my reference, but also in case anyone wants to read, here are my three most favorite posts I've written about my mom. They aren't terribly sad, I promise. One is actually hilarious, and I bet you will cringe with embarrassment for me and giggle out loud.
Thursday Thirteen about my mom, lists of stuff, written in 2008
But Where Does It Go? I just read this today and still find comfort in it, whether there is a heaven or not
Legacy this is the hilarious one - really, just go read it