Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Give Me One Reason

Day 30 Smoke-free / Day 42 Chantix

I was reviewing my list this morning of the reasons I wanted to quit smoking. It was written somewhere in the first week of taking Chantix. In theory, I keep reading that I should be referring back to that list fairly often to remind myself just why I'm doing this since it can get tough some days, but I guess I thought I remembered all the reasons and didn't need to look. Turns out my memory is fairly good, but not perfect.

I remembered wanting to quit because I wanted to be able to laugh hard without having a coughing, I wanted to be able to kiss Tom and not smell like an ashtray, I wanted to be able to take in a nice deep breath without coughing, I wanted to help avoid the heart disease that runs in my family, I wanted to avoid any form of cancer that has taken others in my life and most recently a dear friend at age 42, I wanted to smell better, I wanted to stop the damage I've already done to my teeth and gums with smoking (I'm sorry gums - we have an appointment this month, and I promise this time not to defeat the purpose by lighting up in the car on the way home like an asshole addict), I wanted to stop getting any more wrinkles than nature dictates, I wanted to quit actually paying my own money to suck on poison and save the money instead, and I wanted to not have to stand in what's become the "bad smokers corner" of life as "one of those." There are more, but you get the idea.

And then there was this one that I'd forgotten about:
"stop the rasp that's started"

Wow. It worked. I do not have that rasp, but I remember now that I was starting to notice that I was developing one sometimes and was freaked out. It looks like I dodged that bullet and stopped in time. I hope I'm as lucky with the other things and that my dental/periodontal situation isn't hopeless yet.

I'm going to get a little sappy and weird here for a minute (like cilia all over again), but after the thing about the gums (I have issues), I started feeling like I owe my body an apology. It's mine to care for, mine and mine alone, and I was failing. If it was a really strange day or one of those crazy Chantix dreams where I was asked to be caretaker of someone else's body (nah, Chantix dreams are weirder than that), I am certain that I would treat it better. Even if I didn't always feed it right or exercise it as I should, I can't imagine that I'd spend a bunch of extra money just to administer poison to it. I deserve better, too.

5 comments:

  1. Fantastic metaphore... what if it was somebody else's body? I would like to think I'd be kinder to another person's parts than I have been to my own. Wow. I think I need a therapist STAT!

    I'm so proud of you and happy for you.

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  2. ERm, metaphor. I often think lately about how many brain cells I have killed with smoking. Sigh.

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  3. There is nothing sappy in that sentiment. Good for you. That is a really interesting thing to realize. I am not sure I thought of it that way before.

    Good for you Maggie!

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  4. Thank you, Nathan. I'm never sure how well half of the stuff in my mind translates when I write it and people read it.

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