Sunday, August 12, 2007

Gone but Not Forgotten

It is still Chantix Day 67 and Smoke-free Day 55, and I gotta tell you, this one has been more of a struggle so far for me.

Now first, I hate posting crap like this because the last thing I want is people to read it and think that even at Day 55, the road is really rugged when overall, it really isn't. But there are still bumps along the way in between days when the road is more smooth, and today so far (always subject to change) is one of the bumpy ones. There is no point in pretending that today is something that it's not. If you haven't quit, are reading this and are discouraged that it can still be rugged sometimes this far into the process, go read the majority of the other 109 posts I've devoted so far just to my Chantix experience where it's usually not like this because I'm not giving you another excuse to keep killing yourself any more than I want people thinking that it's all just a happy cake walk every single day and finding out that for most of us, there are a few bumps along the path sometimes.

Now that that's out of the way.

I did one of the more stressful things that I usually do on weekends, and my reward was always a smoke afterwards. Most weekends since quitting I've been pretty OK with the fact that a smoke wasn't in store for me, and I've left it at that. Today, I'm actually kind of pissed off that I don't get my poisonous little reward. Yes, this time I will say it without apologizing for it later: it is a soft spot in my heart that remembers fondly a smoke on the balcony to unwind for a minute from the stress and as my reward for dealing with it. Or, honestly, if I wasn't stressed, then just to enjoy because I enjoyed smoking. In fact, I really did love smoking. Keep reading, not giving up yet, folks.

In Maggie Speak, I'm not at the point of craving, but it's definitely more than tugging, so I'd say I'm firmly planted right now back in urges mode with some a little stronger than others, and the frequency is almost ridiculous compared to how few and far between they were getting.

Would I absolutely and positively right at this moment as I type this *love* from the deepest part of my left lung and then the right one and with all the rest of my body and soul if I could just get away with smoking, blissful smoking, my old friend, the one that I do still miss at moments like this?

Yes.

Is it worth it to start back at the beginning? Would it make the stress go away and fix anything? Would my old buddy and pal cut me a break and not poison my body again and try to slowly kill me? Would Tom still actually want to kiss me or cuddle when I came back in with stink wafting off my body? Would I feel good about it at the end of the day, proud of what I'd done? Can I think of one really good reason, a real reason, aside from my whiny ass "urges, I have urges, oh poor me" to actually smoke? Come one, one reason at all that's even remotely bordering the neighborhood of valid? Am I willing to give back my ability to laugh without coughing that I wanted so damn badly I could taste it and mostly already have earned these past several weeks? Trade it along with everything else I've earned so easily as if it all means nothing to me now?

No. Bite me and kiss my butt, my former friend. I'm not giving in. I've worked way too hard and come way too far. So, No. No. NO. NO. NO!! On all of the above NO!!

Thankfully, I still need to get to the store and have that cooking ahead and freezing thing to do, so that's plenty to keep me busy. If that's not enough, and if I still "need" some kind of a reward since I'm feeling like a 3 year old having a tantrum, I might drive out and go get a latte to placate the toddler inside me. And have those next four cookies. And take a walk. And write some more that I might or might not share (almost didn't post this, but it's reality, so too bad). And read some more that will remind me that it's way worth it to stay quit. Go kiss Tom. Snuggle a kitty. The list goes on. Lots of options.

Funny, the flipping out above already passed this time as I wrote. There may be more of the same today because it has been one of the tougher days in awhile, but at the end of the day, I'll still be smoke-free even if I look a little more haggard, and most days again still won't always be like this. This too shall pass.

Update: I just looked at my Chantix packet. Not only did I entirely miss both doses on Wednesday (which I knew), but apparently I also only took one yesterday instead of both. Now, I'm not saying that's anything conclusive because it may in fact just be coincidence, but after this whole day, I think it's good that I am planning to taper off, just in case. It will be interesting to see how things are once the Chantix is completely gone from my system 5 days after that (no, I'm not inclined to buy any theories people are out there selling about it being longer unless they get their docs or pharmacists to back it up - then I'd listen). Hopefully that point will not be like this, but at least I'd be prepared going into it, and it would still beat cold turkey by a long shot. Just interesting to see.

11 comments:

  1. Stay strong, Maggie. Not only can you do this. You HAVE done this. You are tough, terrific and ... some other "T" word.

    I think a latte is absolutely in order. And... um, not to get too personal. But try some smoochin' that leads to some lovin' - that's a chemical reaction that won't kill you and will make you feel swell!

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  2. Thank you, Danielle. Much appreciated, and not a bad idea, at all ;)

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  3. yeah, it was kind of a bad day here too. I had some crazy stress come out of no where yesterday and so today was a battle. But I am hanging in there, and so are you maggie.

    Stay strong!

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  4. See??? You didn't come help me clean AND you skipped my yummy dinner!

    It's nice to know our resident guru is human :) Seriously, I do think it's helpful to know what could happen down the road. When I'm 55 days in and craving I can tell myself that it's normal and happens to other people. I won't need to beat myself up about being weak or anything.

    Hang in there. And pick me up a triple mocha! :)

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  5. It was a bad day over here also. It sounds like it was something in the stars.

    My desire was so much higher than it's been for weeks. I believe it gets tied into how I'm doing emotionally with the lower sad end bringing desire.....

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  6. Nathan and John, glad to hear that I'm not the only one. Maybe something with the moon? We'll all make it through.

    Tasina, yep, if only I'd had that dinner (not so much on the cleaning...), I'm sure this would never have happened ;) And yep, I'm human, very human, pretty much most of the time.

    Thank you all for reading and commenting. Let's have a reduced-urge tomorrow!

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  7. I was thinking about this some more:

    "Now first, I hate posting crap like this because the last thing I want is people to read it and think that even at Day 55, the road is really rugged when overall, it really isn't. But there are still bumps along the way in between days when the road is more smooth,"

    You know... it's our obligation to let people know that even a few months deep into the quit there are going to be bad days...

    So, Maggie, it's a good thing we're making posts like these. It prepares people psychologically for what to expect. It will ultimately help them.

    Don't forget that tons of people fail in their attempts to quit cigarettes.

    We're not making anything up. It's tough, and, it's good to know there will be some very rough spots and get prepared mentally for that.

    John.

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  8. Nowhere, not anwyay, never did we think this would be a piece of cake or a piece of *&^%. So, today you had the pile of cake kind of day. You got through it, right? As my Mom always says, "this too shall pass". Keep it up girl.

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  9. Thanks, John and Tobin. I just wanted to put it out there as it really was, and it really was one of those kinds of days. Thank you for your support!

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  10. I still have days like that as well.

    I talked to my mom about it recently as she was a 2 pack a day smoker who was forced to quit when she was diagnosed with emphysema. She quit about 16 years ago and says every once in a while she still has thoughts of smoking. I expect they never go away it is just how we feel about them and what we do with them that changes.

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  11. I keep hearing that, too, Lakasha, that once in awhile, the urges creep back in even after a long, long time. I do think that they will rarely be quite this strong, but if they are, I'll just stay ready to stay quit!

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