Friday, September 14, 2007

Sneaky

Today is Smoke-free Day 88.

Most of you know that I've quit smoking in the past, and since I went well over a year, I considered it successful until I was silly enough to start again. One day at a time, I'm not letting that happen again, but I really do "get it" how easy it was to have started again and why I have to remain vigilant against myself.

This morning out of nowhere, it occurred to me what it's been like in the past to smoke after not smoking for a long time. I won't get into all of the horny details because it's more appealing than I wish it was and is not something I need to spend any time thinking about probably ever. Maybe it's because, as I've mentioned before about the taste thing, I smoked menthols (their own beast in some ways), or maybe that's not part of it at all. Who knows. Who cares.

I do know that it's positively insane to think that any cigarette feels or tastes good when considering the poison underlying the supposed pleasure. Funny, that was Newport's slogan - Alive with Pleasure, too, when it was working against me being alive and slowly sucking the pleasure out of my life (I smoked Kool in Japan because I couldn't find Newport, and then Marlboro menthol back in the States because they were always, and I mean always for many years, on sale. Still are. I'm sure they were no different - all killing me with their "pleasure").

Anyway, my point is that it's sneaky and even almost strange how appealing flat out poison can seem, and I am still reminding myself that no matter what other way my mind chooses to think of smoking itself or actual cigarettes themselves, there is nothing, zero, not one redeeming quality or reason that would make it worth allowing myself to get sucked back in.

Relaxation? A deep breath.

My reward between tasks? Another deep breath, a little coffee, some water, or just nothing as I don't need something here as much anymore.

Me time? Paint my nails, pretty smelling lotion that will stay smelling nice - maybe after a nice bath, coffee, all of the above with a favorite candle (well, except the nails - flammable and all that). Playing the Sims2, taking a walk, watching tv marathons with my love, cooking, whatever I want as long as it's not smoking. If I was a guy, maybe I'd still do all of the above but just not tell some of them ;)

Looking cool/Kool? Thankfully, smoking looks nothing like cool anymore. Truly. Not even remotely. Not sure when that changed, but it's probably a good thing.

With a drink? Not sure, we'll see how that goes next week during J's visit because I've deliberately not gone there given my past history where every time I started smoking again, there was alcohol involved. I do know that I'll be watching my P's & Q's and all the other letters of the alphabet. Some drink fine not smoking, but I'm doing baby steps here because there's really no rush. I *could* learn to tie cherry stems with my tongue as something to do, I suppose. That should take me about 10 years.

Really, I can't think of one reason to smoke. Nice.

I'll just keep pushing those tuggings aside (having some this morning - no big deal anymore, though - along with some of the heart flutteries and odd breathing post Chantix - also mostly under control by sheer will), and keep on not smoking because there is really no good reason to smoke no matter how sneaky the little thoughts can be.

5 comments:

  1. Great!! The keywords that glowed in bright acid green to me were that you don't find smoking appealing anymore. I don't know when that happened, but it happened to me, too.

    Do you think it could be all the education about smoking and quitting that we have had? That's the major reason I can think of because there's no way anyone sane with sound reasoning can find anything appealing in the long list of atrocious things in the tobacco smoke and in its even more dreadful aftermath. And when we smoke we don't learn all that, until we make a conscious effort to quit.

    Sounds like you're well on your way!

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  2. Yep, I agree with Stan. Whenever I try to think of a good reason to smoke, I can't think of any! Then I remind myself why I quit: SMOKING KILLS!!!!

    You're doing awesome, Maggie. Hang in there!!

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  3. Stan, the scary thing is that it *is* still appealing to me if I think about it - that's what I was getting at about having a smoke after months of not having one. The good news is that I just argue against myself knowing it's not what I really want.

    Yep, MsTek, that's what I keep reminding myself, too.

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  4. Yep, it kills and in most cases it's a long, slow, and expensive process. Or so I remind myself. We'll make it...

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