Sunday, September 16, 2007

Would Have

Today is Smoke-free Day 90.

What a funny day today, mainly because it was kind of different from my typical routine, and there were so many points in it that in the past I would have smoked. It seemed kind of noticeable and strange that I didn't, but not really in a bad way, just noticeable.

I went to a friend's wedding, and I had to take some routes getting there that are usually pretty stressful for me. My head is screwed up, I know, but it's a long story and not entirely my fault, but let's just say that the drive was stress-level 7 out of 10. Actually, probably more while I'm actually driving complete with white knuckles, sweating and heart racing. Anyway, thankfully, I made it there in one piece, and I didn't even get lost (remarkable, truly).

Typically when I had to do the stressful drive thing, as soon as I felt like I'd reached a place in the journey where I felt more safe, I'd light up because I'd typically been too scared to do that while going through the scary parts (gosh, I know I sound like a nut; it's true, and I am) and really felt like I needed a smoke (and possibly a massage, a strong drink, some soft music and another smoke). Today, there was no celebratory/relaxing/nerve calming cigarette at the end of the scary parts. I noticed where it would have been. I wasn't upset by it or anything, but I noticed.

Then, after the beautiful ceremony there was a small reception on the same property, but kind of outside and over yonder and around and possibly back into the basement of the the same building - no clue, just followed the folks in front of me - and that would absolutely have been smoke time because it was outside and in between events. Again, I didn't really want to smoke, just noted that it would have been the time and place in the past.

The reception was simple but elegant with a cake to die for - seriously, almond with some kind of really buttery tasting butter cream frosting instead of that other frosting everyone hates - and everyone was just so pretty, and I was really just enjoying to the fullest how happy and pretty my friend and her new husband and their families were. At one point I smelled the faint smell of smoke and realized that someone sitting near me had gone out for a smoke. I kind of smiled as I thought that, yep, I would have, too, somewhere in between toasts and cake cutting and tossing the bouquet and some unscheduled really cute moment, trying to time it so that I didn't miss something but feeling like I couldn't live without stepping out there for a smoke.

Instead, I didn't have to miss a thing (like that cake being passed around - imagine the horror if I'd missed that bit of heaven?), and when I gave my friend a hug, I didn't smell all smoky and yucky, either. The drive back home wasn't quite as scary, and that time I didn't even notice that it would have been smoke time when I got to the easier part. I love it that I don't have to smoke anymore, and I'm so grateful for the Chantix boost at the start that jump started me on this path when I knew I wanted to do this but didn't have it in me to take on the hardcore cold turkey battle. This time I just had to cooperate with the Chantix and keep rolling along over the bumps smoke-free.

Update 9/26/07: Turns out, upon reflection and re-reading this post, that this day was a turning point in my journey when tuggings gave way to a new term, whispers.

4 comments:

  1. Came back to check your progress. I'm impressed! Good going Maggie. I am determined to tackle this addiction myself soon.

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  2. You are doing great! I am sooo happy for you! Keep up the good work!!!

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  3. Making it through a wedding without smoking is a victory in itself. lol

    I posted yesterday, but I see it didn't take for some reason.

    Keep up the fight Maggie, you're doing great!

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  4. Thank you, everyone! I appreciate the support.

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