Today is Smoke-free Day 119 - minus a "bump," detailed below.
My friend was here from Tokyo, and I went into it concerned about not smoking, considering having plenty of o-sake and plate after plate of delicious varieties of Japanese food and actually being around a dedicated smoker of menthol cigarettes that I once loved.
I did great with it until I didn't.
And then I smoked.
I'm even more convinced that a non-smoker is still what I actually am and want to be, so I am back on track heading down my path and considering it a little bump that luckily stayed little. I'm fully aware that this gives me no excuse to try the same in the future because I might not always be so lucky.
I could go back to the top and call this Smoke-free Day 1, and beat the living crap out of myself for my "oops," and maybe some will think that's exactly what I should do (maybe not), but, you know what? Each of those days took effort and cooperation on my part, and after much more thought about this than a normal person would care to give, like when I was supposed to have been sleeping, I've decided that each day still counts, and I'm not moving the number backward because I'm still moving forward as a non-smoker instead of giving up on myself over it as I've done in the past. It's been a bump in my path and nothing more unless I make it more.
Don't get me wrong. Telling Tom was really, really very hard, especially considering current stressful circumstances related to sorting out the getting by with one car for a long time issue (yep, no collision insurance on the clunker, and I know, I know, lots of people manage - we will figure it out, too), and he wasn't thrilled to hear that I'd smoked either. I feel bad. Worse than I'm saying here, if you want to know the absolute truth. Ultimately, though, it's done and can't be undone. Even if this post feels something like a walk of shame to me, it does me no good to beat myself up about it at this point.
Saru mo ki kara ochiru.
Even monkeys [and Maggies] fall from trees.
I've fallen, but I could get back up. So I did.