Today is Smoke-free Day 163.
Theories are fun. Yesterday I theorized that the increased frequency and strength of my "tuggings" to smoke (not as strong as urges, certainly not even approaching craving status) over the glorious and wonderful long weekend may have been due, in part, to the idea that it truly was a long weekend (4 days=heaven!), which translates to "me time," and historically (see links in yesterdays post) that, in turn, has translated into wanting to smoke because I just damn well felt like it over there in Me Mode, thank you very much.
That's all cute and probably has some serious kernels of reality and good theorizing mixed in there on weekend days, but this morning happens to be Tuesday and not part of a weekend (so painful, yet so true), and I *still* find myself taking some deeper breaths and romanticizing death by stinky poison (crazy, crazy, crazy, nutty, silly, crazy, addict, crazy) before I remind myself that I chose to quit smoking and that this is not punishment (a post that I'm glad I wrote because I needed to see it again this morning - if you happen to get something out of it, that's cool, too, but I just made my own day easier).
So I'm updating my theory. It's not anything new, really, but it goes like this:
Addiction to cigarettes/smoking is insidious. I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm still walking that way (out) and not smoking, and that's what counts. Thankfully, overall, really and truly, it is much easier than at that start, but there are still tough stretches sometimes. There just are. Just because it's insidious. Besides 20+ years as a die-hard smoker vs. 5 months trying not to be, well, you do the Maggie Math. There have been a handful of us that have stumbled of late, and it's simply because addiction is not an easy thing to beat, doesn't go away immediately and is crazy easy to get sucked right back into, too. I'm still pulling for all of us to make it, stumble or no stumble, back on the Chantix or not.
So, yep, the insidiousness theory, but one day at a time, just until bedtime, we can all do this.