Today is Smoke-free Day 173.
I've said all of what I'm about to say probably more coherently back in my previous post, but I am gaining weight since quitting smoking and quitting Chantix at the end of the 12 recommended weeks (well, a bit longer since I tapered off), and I'm really not thrilled about it. I'm a couple of pounds away from my heaviest ever, and I've always been one of those teeny tiny people who never worried too much about my weight (don't hate), so for me, this is kind of a scary thing. Years ago when I would try quitting smoking, I gained nothing because I was a toothpick with incredible metabolism that loved to eat but always had leftovers. Then, a few years back, I quit smoking and gained weight to the heaviest point I just mentioned. I started smoking again, and the pounds melted away, and it was an excuse to continue smoking (a stupid, dumb, very bad idea kind of excuse, but it was one of many lies I told myself every time I sucked poison). Then I quit again, gained weight again, started smoking again, and the pounds only went away a little but not nearly as dramatically. I've lost track of how many times I've been down this road, but I do know that smoking no longer holds quite the same weight loss magic for me that it apparently did at younger points in my life, and I don't leave as much for leftovers.
I hesitate to even post this because it sounds so superficial and whiny (and honestly, believe it or don't, sometimes people can be assholes to skinnier people - there, I said it), but this is what's real for me and what really is on my mind. My old solution of just taking up smoking again isn't an option this time. Not only did I thankfully learn already that it doesn't work that way for me anymore, but I also wouldn't be willing to make that trade I used to make so freely anymore. It was cute for as long as I did it and while it worked, but I'm getting too old to play stupid and dangerous games with my health.
So, I won't be smoking, but I will still be walking once or twice a weekday (weather permitting, and in Oregon it doesn't always permit), and I will make some attempt at not eating too much of the stuff I love (well, except that tonight is a yummy sounding but not low calorie Clam Chowder, with Mini Ham & Cheese Sandwiches). I may need to consider being more proactive if smaller portions don't do it, but I will probably be more likely to add a bit more exercise than I will to start deleting favorite foods from my diet entirely. That's just me.
It's Friday. I'm a happy girl, and no matter what that silly scale said, I rejoice that I can breathe, and I still smell absolutely delicious.