Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Heart Stuff

Today is smoke-free day 226, and I don't have to smoke at my life anymore, thankfully.

If this had been something like 300 days ago before I'd even heard of Chantix or had decided that I was ready to be done with the whole smoking thing that I held so dear for 20+ years, then I'd probably be having a pretty smoky morning, pissed off and pacing, seething and smoking, which actually would have been a bit ironic, considering one part of the overall situation.

The *not* pissed off part is that I'm going "home" (no matter where I live, Chicago will always be "home" because that's where family is) to see my dad in a couple of weeks because it's been too long since I've seen him, I've received a generous offer from my favorite family member (and just my favorite person period) to allow me to make the trip, and, unfortunately, my dad has some pretty serious health issues going on. Thankfully, my dad has also quit smoking (and apparently at least some stubborn enough old enough men do fine quitting without Chantix), which is good because I suspect it didn't really do his heart and lungs any favors. Still, being already quit for a few months headed into whatever course of action is determined has to be a good thing. I am grateful beyond words that I get to spend some time with my family right now.

The pissed off part I can't talk about publicly, but I don't have the proper restraint of an adult woman to stop myself from saying that I do think a thinly veiled guilt trip from an outsider during something like this is really asshole-ish. I would *love* to rant and vent here, but I can't afford to right now (tongue full of deep teeth marks). Today I choose not to even go be outside to smoke about it, either, and that's probably a good thing, even if it's a new thing. When I think about how over the years I've been blatant enough to sit around smoking through my life while people I loved battled cancer or went through things like heart surgery, the irony of it all disgusts me and actually just makes me want to puke. Or at least at a minimum not smoke.

Today, I know my heart is in the right place. I know what matters. And that matters most.

8 comments:

  1. I'm so proud of you for staying strong throughout this situation. My thoughts are with you for whatever is pissing you off. I wish there was something I could do, but it seems all I can do is be proud of you for not usingscigarettes to detach yourself from the situation at hand. Best of luck.

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  2. I'm so excited that you get to go home for a visit. How fun for you! Try to keep focused on that instead of ugly people. Those nasty folk aren't even worth your time. Let's all just take one brief moment to pity that horrible person and then focus back on your fun trip!!!

    I expect a full report on the pros and cons of upper midwest coffee vs west coast!

    P.S. If you REALLY need to vent....you know what to do :)

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  3. Savour each precious moment you get with your Dad on this trip! I miss mine terribly, but still think about him most Friday nights. That's when I would call and he'd have to talk to me 'cause Mom was at bingo. Those were good days.

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  4. Do I need to take care of your bully, too?

    I'm excited for you to get back home, too. Be prepared though, it's FREEZING cold right now! Maybe it will warm up just for you.

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  5. You are amazing Maggie! Spend some quality time with you dad and family and have fun. Chicago is a really nice city! I still go back and forth about being mad and being grateful that I make the choice not to "smoke at people because I am pissed off!" Whatever your pissed about, I know its hard not to take the easy way out and light up that cigarette. Take care.
    Peace,
    Diva

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  6. Sorry you are having such a rough go of it. Good for you staying strong though.

    I hope you enjoy your time at home and feel better soon.

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  7. Thank you all, and yes, Lynda, I love the offer! I'm going home, and the pissed off will eventually fade.

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  8. Uh oh...we need to chat. I hope everything's OK. I'll try to call you tomorrow evening. I can't wait to see you!!!! I love you.

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Talk to me.