Today is smoke-free day 226, and I don't have to smoke at my life anymore, thankfully.
If this had been something like 300 days ago before I'd even heard of Chantix or had decided that I was ready to be done with the whole smoking thing that I held so dear for 20+ years, then I'd probably be having a pretty smoky morning, pissed off and pacing, seething and smoking, which actually would have been a bit ironic, considering one part of the overall situation.
The *not* pissed off part is that I'm going "home" (no matter where I live, Chicago will always be "home" because that's where family is) to see my dad in a couple of weeks because it's been too long since I've seen him, I've received a generous offer from my favorite family member (and just my favorite person period) to allow me to make the trip, and, unfortunately, my dad has some pretty serious health issues going on. Thankfully, my dad has also quit smoking (and apparently at least some stubborn enough old enough men do fine quitting without Chantix), which is good because I suspect it didn't really do his heart and lungs any favors. Still, being already quit for a few months headed into whatever course of action is determined has to be a good thing. I am grateful beyond words that I get to spend some time with my family right now.
The pissed off part I can't talk about publicly, but I don't have the proper restraint of an adult woman to stop myself from saying that I do think a thinly veiled guilt trip from an outsider during something like this is really asshole-ish. I would *love* to rant and vent here, but I can't afford to right now (tongue full of deep teeth marks). Today I choose not to even go be outside to smoke about it, either, and that's probably a good thing, even if it's a new thing. When I think about how over the years I've been blatant enough to sit around smoking through my life while people I loved battled cancer or went through things like heart surgery, the irony of it all disgusts me and actually just makes me want to puke. Or at least at a minimum not smoke.
Today, I know my heart is in the right place. I know what matters. And that matters most.