Thursday, April 17, 2008

Meow Face: 157, Me: 0

I'm going to talk about my cat(s). Tomorrow I will tell you what I had for lunch. I'm devolving into a person who blogs about drivel instead of evolving into greatness. Go piss yourself if you don't like it. OK, that was harsh. I don't really mean that. Mostly. But piss will be a recurring theme in this post. You've been warned.

Here We Go:
Today is smoke-free day 304, and even if I'm in pretty good spirits and don't feel the desire to smoke at anyone, I'm sleepy enough that I'm feeling kind of cantankerous like the good spirits thing could change if you do the wrong thing (anyone else see so much potential for that to happen in a workday?).

For the record, peeing on my "bed" again falls under the "wrong thing" category.

Thankfully, I won't have to worry about that today.

Why? Grab some coffee, and board the pee train. Long trip.

Once my Meow Face Haiku Pee Sting Operation was complete (and complete with video!), knowing which cat it was and how she is, I knew I wouldn't win this without complete surrender since she is, um, lets just go with more stubborn than the others and willing to use pee as a weapon. (Aggravate me enough today, and I might take a page out of her book.) So, anyway, I surrendered and (mostly) returned the cat boxes to the configuration she likes instead of the one I liked for the reduction of litter tracking. OK, fine, my secret strategy was to put the boxes in the bathtub we never use (brilliant idea that did help), and when this whole peeing on my temporary bed bullshit started, I moved one of the boxes back out of the tub. I'm meeting them halfway. I work all day in the flames of hell a cubicle to buy kibble, too, so I'd say I'm more than holding up my end of the bargain. I thought we were all happy with the compromise.

Everything was fine.

So, before I got home yesterday, which is where the rest of the meow face story begins (way, way down there at the bottom of this long ass post), I had all kinds of fun that I'll share for the full effect because simply having a normal day before getting home wouldn't have been as entertaining (not that this is exactly exciting, but considering I don't get out much and am in danger of this becoming little more than a crazy cat lady blog, it seems mention worthy to me - again, go piss yourself if you don't like it).

Hopelessly Lost Three Times in Two Hours:
Yesterday, I go to the doctor for my crazy ankle, get lost inside one of the buildings because I was actually supposed to be in another that required going outside instead of being connected (and because of bad signage - it's totally an Oregon thing as a way to easily separate out those of us who are not natives and to piss us off), come out of my appointment and can't find my way back to the parking garage and look stupid enough looking in the same places over and over for ways out that aren't there (while cussing under my breath) that some random guy (OK, he looked like he worked there) invited me into some secret magic door that turned into a hallway (with security people) that instantly landed me in the parking garage but not anywhere remotely near the Orange P2 area (that I remembered so I could find my car) where I'd parked (seriously. magic. this hallway thing.), and I proceeded to spend the next 20 minutes searching for my car (in shoes that the doctor didn't think were suitable enough to even walk to the copy machine, considering my crazy ankle issue), all the while knowing that those security folks were probably pissing themselves watching me continue to be so lost and look so stupid on the security camera monitor. I found my goddamn, effing car, grabbed my reverse directions that I was smart enough to print, and still proceeded to get really lost like every other time I've ever tried going anywhere out that way (because the directions mention roads that aren't there, and there is always exactly one sign saying the highway is this way, so you go that way, but there is never, ever, another sign. or the highway.), felt hot angry tears mock me once again because I thought I'd gotten better about finding my way, wound up driving about 20 miles in the wrong direction because even if it was the long way, it was the way I knew, and got back to work much later than expected (so you know I grabbed a latte for the pain on the way back).

Helping My Fellow Procrastinators:

Later that same day....

So, I'd electronically filed my taxes and gotten my Fed money back way back in February, but I wasn't so eager to pay the rat bastard State of Ory-gun and procrastinated because I have a bit of stupid in me sometimes (see hopelessly lost above). I went to the post office after work since I'd been a little busy on my 2 hour lunch break (see hopelessly lost above, again), saw a sign indicating that the post office was closed (well, except for the people still in there who couldn't let any of the angry people standing outside come in) and not accepting mail but directing people to another post office open until 6:30PM but further away than you can get in time with the traffic. I knew that wasn't a realistic option and called another little post office branch still open inside the gas station (why ask why) to see if they were accepting tax mail and got an excellent tip from who I'll call "employee of the year" that they weren't but that one of the UPS Store locations nearby was collecting until 8PM. I tried calling that UPS Store to confirm before wasting time driving there but got no answer, so I called another branch of the UPS Store and talked to a guy I'll call "not in the loop" who knew nothing about any of that noise and was sending people even further away, as in out by where I'd spent my lunch hour being lost. I didn't believe him, didn't want to believe him, because I liked "employee of the year"'s version so much better, so I called the first UPS Store branch again in case they answered, and they did answer and were, indeed, accepting tax crap from procrastinators until 8PM. So while I drove over there, I called back to advise "not in the loop" that the branch about a mile from his branch really was accepting until 8PM and to quit sending people to the ends of the earth (I said it nicely, and he seemed happy for the info, but not nearly as happy, I'm sure, as those being saved such a long trip).

Then because I don't know why I give a rat's ass about people I don't know, but I really do, I drove over to that original useless post office that was also sending people to a different corner of further away than you could get by 6:30PM, and I made my own sign on the back of a random piece of paper in my car directing lost souls to the UPS Store that was just blocks away and accepting until 8PM because it seemed like the right thing to do. I even hung out there for a few minutes to direct people that way (OK, just one woman, and then "the mens" were starting to show up, and it didn't seem sensible to a safety girl like me) and then went home, finally, feeling good but tired and ready to sing Kumbaya with the catties.

She Wins:
After a full day of working, getting frustratingly lost, doing a good deed of directing others to an easier solution and generally being a good citizen, I came home looking forward to relaxing with some dinner (healthier versions of Indian food I love - so very good and will share later, promise) and some ER (now midway through Season 4, and the Birthday Elf did deliver on providing me with Season 5 and Season 6, as I'd wished). I was bone tired and looking forward to early sleep (since I had to arrive at work earlier this morning to make up for all that time I spent being lost, as if that seems fair), but at some point I noticed that, once again, my "bed" (layer of padding, sleeping bags and blankets) had been peed and that it had extended ever so slightly to the carpet. Aw, hell, no.

And, so, instead of a relaxing night and going to bed early, I was up until about 1AM tripling the electric bill by doing load after load of laundry with still more to go tonight after work, and I accepted defeat by the fat little bed pissing Weeble meow face Tom's precious little girl. She wins. As layers were washed, I started putting them away instead of back on the floor for my makeshift bed (that I really loved, by the way, because it was actually comfortable and reminded me of my Japan days sleeping on futon - the kind without the frame), and for the first time in almost 2 months, I slept in the big girl bed last night, and it felt like heaven for the brief period of time I got to be in it.

Maybe I won, too. Shhhh, don't tell, or she'll pee on something. And that would ruin my day.


  1. I think that was the longest post I've ever read in the history of Huckdoll :) Loved it, though. Hope tomorrow is a little more calm for you hun.

  2. What a day!

    Do you think part of the reason that cat is acting out is because Tom is gone? I don't stand for cats who use urine as weapons, because it never comes out! I had a cat like that once, I put it's literbox and food in the spare bathroom and locked it in for about two days. When I let it out, never again did it pee anywhere other than the box!

    I read your last two posts. Thanks so much for all the advice tidbits! I really enjoyed that post about you and your friends not smoking.

  3. Aw, thanks for reading my longest ever ass post! You all are good people.

    Life is back to calm, and hopefully we are all done with pee stuff at the house of cats.

  4. Funny funny. Maggie, you crack me up! wtg on another day smoke free. looks like for you it's a stone grove now. you are a force to be reckoned with

  5. lol!!! loved every bit of it! :)

    that cat, though. my god, she looked like she was loving every moment of peeing on that bed!!! >-|


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