Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The Annual Wallow



Today is smoke-free day 324. Today Heads or Tails today is all about HEADS - Mother. I could easily have said nothing instead of coming off as just totally depressing beyond what's necessary. I could have chosen not to do my annual wallowing right here in public, and perhaps that would have been a better decision. But I try to be real, and the truth is that this one word, Mother, has impacted my life and shaped who I am today perhaps more than any other single word. When I saw it, I couldn't bring myself to say nothing. Perhaps this is inappropriate and too heavy, but this is my blog, and this is me. I do love to entertain, but I do not love to pretend. Chicken shit disclaimer done, onto my take on the theme.

I would give my eye teeth
to be thoroughly annoyed
with my mother over something
meaningless.

I would give my left ear (and my everything)
to be kept awake all night long
by a toddler whining incessantly over something
meaningless.

I would give my whole heart
to have a mother, a child
(boy, girl, cute, ugly, don't care)
instead of filling the gaping void with something
meaningless.

From nothing, going nowhere.
A sad and self-pitying mantra.
How I'd give anything for either to be
meaningless.

I like to pretend that somewhere
my mom looks after the baby
whose mom I almost got to be
,
but without real belief anymore, that, too, is (almost)
meaningless.

Most days of the year I won't go here
into the great big wallow
because it's whiny and unattractive, though not entirely
meaningless.

Still, I allow myself a day or three
dictated by the strictarian calendar
to hurt badly as long as I keep perspective
that all else that is good* is not
meaningless.

*P.S. There is a lot of the "all else" that is truly good.

17 comments:

  1. Sometimes i think we all need to wallow Maggie, its an honest acknowledgement of where you are and what you feel. Each sentence you write is a tangible reminder of 'yes this is me & this is how i feel' ... thanks for sharing it means alot...x

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  2. wow, maggie that was powerful. it brought me to tears. thank you for sharing that and opening up, that must have been really hard. and you should feel free to wallow any time -- you're allowed!
    hugs and blessings to you,
    xo

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  3. Sometimes I think we just need to say what we feel. What you've written is very powerful and emotive,. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. It's amazing when the written word can have such a huge impact on others. Your post touched me deeply. From your "chicken shit disclaimer" right down to the last word. I admire your honesty and bravery for this.

    I wish I could have posted the same way.

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  5. Me again! I wanted to let you know that your blog has just been randomly picked as the featured blog of the month at HoT :)

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  6. Those are heart felt sentiments Maggie and I agree that sometimes it's healing to think about these things, remind us of what has been important in our lives.

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  7. Awww. I feel for you, hun. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, I guess. That's what they tell me, anyways. Hang in there.

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  8. Maggie....as always great Blog. I love reading your post!

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  9. I do love the new 'look' of your blog and always appreciate the honesty with which you share and today’s poem is certainly no exception! Thank you for letting yourself ‘wallow’ …

    I’ve shared memories of my mom this morning at Small Reflections.
    Hugs and blessings,

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  10. The post has reached me beyond words. Do not apologize for putting such raw emotion into words.

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  11. I'm glad you believe in honest. Truth heals the reader and the speaker and is a gift you give when you share it. You are not alone in your pain.

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  12. Even though you consider it wallowing, I must say that post was beautiful. Your honesty and openness are very refreshing <3

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  13. Good for you - it's been an honest kind of time in my parts as well.

    I don't have any words that encompass the thumbs up I'm giving you ... so just well done and peace.

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  14. What an amazing post. I love your raw honestly. Truly moving.

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  15. I like the new look around here! great poem, it was very inspirational.

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  16. Although my circumstances are quite different from yours, I often feel the same way about both mother & child. (((hugs)))

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