Sunday, July 13, 2008

Rare Saturday Post - Breathing / Believing

Today is smoke-free day 391, and it's been a harder earned week, but I'm hanging tough, one day at a time.

I Can't Breathe.
Since last weekend I've been experiencing a bit of a rough patch with thoughts about smoking creeping in and annoying me more frequently and with a stronger sense of urgency, and I'll be glad when I get back to the new normal where that's not the case. It actually got bad enough that I am experiencing that odd suffocating feeling like an interrupted yawn kind of thing that I'd experienced on past quits and this time only when I was mostly off of Chantix (and not related to Chantix) where the best I can theorize, my deep breaths to combat the urges become so intense that I set up a panic situation and can't catch my breath. This had largely gone away, and I'm not thrilled to see it back. Thankfully, so far, the heart flutteries have not returned with it, so I'm more convinced that those were probably psychological as well.

(If you are just finding my blog and at the start of your journey with quitting smoking, pleasedo not be discouraged, and please know that most other days are not at all as tough as these have been. There are ups and downs, and my days have been mostly up.)

I Believe That You Believe.
Some of my issues above are probably related to some stressful recent hurdles related to "the apartness," and this would be an excellent time for prayer. Problem is, without getting too deeply into it on here or inviting conversations I'm not in the mood to have, I no longer believe, so I no longer actually pray (and when I did, it was my own brand of prayer anyway). Oddly enough, though, I do believe that you believe and that maybe your prayers have power. Or maybe they don't. But prayers and/or good thoughts certainly can't hurt (right?), and it just feels like some kind of Divine Intervention is needed for things to fall neatly into place because I'm kind of in conundrum and missing Tom now more than ever. Do with that or don't do with it as you wish (just please no preaching to me because my head and heart already kind of hurt, and that's not really the kind of help that would, um, help right now).

13 comments:

  1. Maggie,
    You are my inspiration in more ways than one and I know that you will get through this. If you need anyone to listen, please e-mail me at mizdivaca@aol.com. I will gladly call you and I would love to be there to give you a big hug right now. I hate the idea of your heart being hurt! If this helps any, I want to smoke when I am having difficulty with my emotions. There have been a lot of them for me latley so I can really relate to you. I think that is why the Hookah lounge was calling my name!

    I just wanted to tell you that even though we have never met or smoken, I consider you a wonderful person and a friend that has helped me in this journey towards not only being a healthier person but a better one as well. It hurts my heart to see you hurting and going through a big emotional up and down. I know you will get to the other end of this no matter what. I am pulling for you and your right, I do believe!
    Peace,
    Diva

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  2. Hang in there Maggie. My hard times used to come when I would have a cup of coffee or drink a beer with a buddy, or something along those lines. Because that was a time when I ALWAYS had a smoke in my hands. Like you, I held on through thosehard times, and each succeeding 'hard time' got less 'hard' than the one before.

    And if the prayers of a fat old man who's more sinner than saint will help any, well, you got 'em.

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  3. I'm sorry, sweet pea...hang in there!

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  4. I know what you mean, and it stinks. Just remember, you have a huge support group online.

    'nothing smokes as good as quit feels'--Jude axiom.

    I am sorry you are going through a rough patch. Tomorrow is another day.

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  5. Maggie, I believe that you are an inspiration to many as what mz diva said.

    "When the night is the darkest, it means that soon the day will break. Press on!" I wish for goodness in all aspects of your life.

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  6. Very many thanks to you all. I will be fine and do understand that this is temporary and is par for the course (and still so very worth it in the end!), but your kind words and your support when it's kind of sucky really do help, and I'm grateful.

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  7. Maggie, you are always welcome!

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  8. I am so sorry for your rough patch and I'm praying for your peace. Hang in there!

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  9. I do believe in the power of prayer and the right that you don't believe. So I will just pray for you and think good thoughts. It may help, who knows? Its worth a shot.

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  10. Ok. No preaching. Even if it is Sunday.

    But you sound like you are in serious need of a hug and a piece of chocolate. So, **hug**, and you have my permission to eat a snickers. :)

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  11. oh i so wish i had been on the blog and wandered over here on saturday. but either way, a day late i'm still sending you my prayers and my good thoughts because everyone can use those anytime, right? just pretend they're in that fanny pack of yours for use at your leisure. tee hee!

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  12. Hi, Maggie! I'm REALLY late getting here.

    BUT I wanted you to know that I'll be thinking good thoughts and, yes, praying for this situation.

    I now know that I'd been having panic attacks since I was about 8, but didn't realize that's what it was until about... um... three years ago or so. The way you described it is EXACTLY what panic attacks feel like for me, but I could NEVER explain it well... So I'm NOT saying that's what was happening to you, but it sounds awfully familiar. (At minimum, now I have a good way of explaining it.)

    I hope you continue to feel better. :)

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