Thursday, August 07, 2008

Dumber Than a Pack of Sausage

I got it in my head at some point yesterday that I couldn't live without trying this Apple, Onion and Bratwurst recipe (**update**-my review is within that recipe link 4 out of 5 stars with changes for next time) because I love brats, it's been too hot to cook (this a week after I was wearing my winter pjs because it was in the 60's), the recipe calls for only 6 very non-complex or involved or mysterious or hard to find ingredients (oil, brats, onions, garlic, apples and beer - boom, dinner). Bonus points for one of those ingredients being beer.

Trip One
After a long day of work I ventured out to the store in my no air conditioner having car with a mission of buying bratwurst, apples and beer because I always have onions, oil and garlic on hand (and I'm thinking having the others on hand wouldn't be an all bad idea, either). I spent about $20, drove in a hot car to a hot home and realized that of that $20, I'd spent approximately $0 on bratwurst. I could tell you a story about a large woman with a large cart monopolizing the sausage area as the reason I walked past it, but I'm the dummy that got distracted by $20 worth of "ooh, pretty colors and shiny things" other than bratwurst, and I forgot to circle back over there.

Trip Two
I took a few brief moments to relax in my hot apartment while having negative self-dialog (that's a word, right, for talking to myself?) about my intelligence or lack thereof, got back in my hot ass car, entered the refreshing coolness of the grocery store to right my wrong and to procure a simple package of bratwurst. It was so nice and so cool in there that I lingered, picked up a few other shiny things, spent about $13 and realized halfway to my car this time that I really have the attention span of a bowl of coconut pudding (which I almost bought but in the end did not buy, since, I mean, I was about to also not buy the damn bratwurst for the second time, either). Yes, I'm that spectacularly brilliant on a hot day.

Trip Two-Point-Five
Catching my mistake mid-parking lot was at least more efficient than getting all the way home to my still hot apartment, so I put what I had in the car, entered the store and allowed myself only to go to where the bratwurst lives, nowhere else, and to come directly home after school, did I understand, young lady? So, I bought the bratwurst for about $4 plus a couple of $1 and 100 calorie beef jerky bites packs because I was shopping hungry, which I never do, unless I am having a night like that involving hours of unintended wandering in cool grocery stores.

Gotta Be Effing Kidding Me
Happily home and playing with my new apple corer thingy (part of the first $20, which actually was well spent at least - there will be more new recipes attempted this week at my house if you are free for dinner) and delighting at making apple ring slices while considering the possibilities and browning the brats and the garlic and singing cat songs in my head and randomly out loud, I grabbed an onion to slice, and... The inside? Rotted to hell and possibly coming back to life to kill us all. Grabbed the second and last onion with the same evil results.

Trip Three
If the sausage hadn't already been browning, I would have aborted and abandoned the mission for the night, but once the sausage is browning you've sort of made a commitment (minus the rings and the dress and the dj). So, I went to a different store just because the first place had to think I'd gone batshittier for some variety, bought some onions, returned to the still not cooled down at all apartment, assembled everything into the awesome removable crock part of the crock pot so that I could put it in the fridge so that it would be ready to go this morning so that it would cook all day while I work almost like the good and doting housewife I wish I had, and I enjoyed an 11PM dinner of what was left of the beer plus a pack of beef jerky bites.

Empty Threats
As I type this, dinner is cooking happily away in the crock pot, and all I can say is that after $40, self-loathing (OK, kidding, I still love my dumb self) and countless hours meandering around in grocery stores, it better taste fabulous, or, or... well, or something. If not, there is always the beer and beef jerky bites option, I suppose. Options are good.

Also, today is smoke-free day 416, and I love sausage. And beer.


  1. Haha! Those dang brats! Thanks for sharing! :)

  2. I've definitely done stuff like that, although not so many times in a row. And the Morrocan spaghetti recipe? I used it over rice instead and it was awesome! I'll definitely be trying more of your suggestions.

  3. Oh. My. Goodness. I think we must have been separated about birth. Or at least our brains were.

    I have a trunk full of stuff to return to Target that's been there since June. I got there several times a week and never remember to return them.

    I really hope this recipe turns out well. Jerky bites and beer isn't too bad of an option though ;)

  4. ROFLMAO! Totally sounds like something I'd do/would happen to me! Hope it's good :-)

    I have an awesome brat recipe for you, involves water, onion, beer & brats!

  5. I do this all the time!! I go to the store for one thing and forget it.

  6. Ack! How frustrating! I do admire your commitment though. I think I would have given up after the first trip. ;)

    Since I live in Wisconsin (home of the WORLD FAMOUS Johnsonville Brats) I thought I would give you another easy little tip seeing as how you like brats and beer. :)

    If you want to grill the brats (instead of crockpot) first you should put them in a pot with enough beer to cover all brats. Slice up some onions and bring it all to a nice simmer. Let it simmer for a good 20-30 minutes. Then go ahead and put them on the grill. SOOOO good!

  7. Recently (few days ago) stumbled upon your blog, and now delurking. Christ, you are determined, gotta give you that.

    See, I do that shit all the time, but oh hell no, I don't return to pick up what I forgot.

    Ah, probably has something to do with the 16-effing-mile drive back to the store from home. 2.5 of which are on a crappy, boulder strewn dirt road. Bleh.

  8. No air in the car? That is abusive!

  9. I love Sandy C. to death and you're getting right up there with her. Any girl that like beer and sausage is okey by gum golly dokey in my book. By Gum!!

  10. I did that tonight. Left the house to go to the deli and didn't even make it there. Which threw off all of dinner, so that we had veggies and dip, and chicken strips.

  11. ok first of all i was howling reading this. too funny!!!

    second, we seem to do this all the time. i just posted a (not as funny) story as yours about my own awesome, very simple recipe that i found and now i'm BUSTING to try this one. YUM!! let me know how it turns out!!!

  12. I knew this had to be good when I saw what the title of this post was. You poor thing! I can see two trips to the dang store, but three? I'm sorry...I was laughing out loud as I read. Hope it tasted awesome!

  13. hehe, the word is soliloquy, Maggie. :) self-dialog, I think, is more when you must immediately see a psych******. :)

    i dont' know how you live without a/c in your car! how do you deal with sweat???


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