Thursday, September 11, 2008

Tom's Cat - An Open Letter

Dear Little Miss Meow Face,

Since your daddy reads my blog and hates when I say anything even remotely not full of worship for all that is you with the pointy ears and whiskers, I know I'll be in trouble for this, but the world needs to know of the injustice.

First, let's review. You came to us with a sob story involving suburban rednecks with rifles instead of hearts, but it was on a temporary basis because there was no more room at the kitty inn already occupied by those who would become your brothers. Then Tom fell in love with you, and I was no longer allowed didn't have the heart to find an alternate good home for you. Plus, you were super cute (still are - remember this picture?), and you'd captured my heart, too.

When you do not get along with other cats or randomly bite me when I pet you, I try to remember the rednecks with rifles. Tom reminds me often that you had a bad, um, kittenhood, so I cut you some slack. At some point, though, we are responsible for the person we choose to become - er, OK, that's only for people. Never mind that bit.

I buy you special and expensive fat girl food, encourage you on your diet, love you sweetly and gently as if you've never bitten me, admire your gorgeous colors, sing special songs made just for you with love by me and do my level best to make sure you are happy and content and feel well-loved, especially while Tom is gone in Tulsa during the apartness.

The last big peeing incident, I did a haiku, knew it was you, was chastised by the kitteh daddy for automatically assuming it was you, took votes (most agreed with me), nanny-cammed your ass (same post), caught you in the very act and posted for all to see. (Oh, but you were not done yet, not even close, and so I gave up on my makeshift futon and now sleep in a big girl bed again.)

This time, there is no video evidence, but I still know what you did last summer this morning.

I woke many hours earlier than I damn well felt like just so that I could prepare for another day of work since that's how I continue to provide your kibble and a cozy home. I placed my clothes just outside the bathroom door while I showered, just like every morning (my little routine - then I go from there into the computer room to get dressed with the Internets and all of y'all that email me or are on Plurk and whatnot along with my morning news).

This morning, somebody peed my pants. And it wasn't me. I was in the shower. It was you. I know it was you.

You are on notice.

I love you, I love your daddy, but this is not acceptable. Last night your daddeh guessed that I'd soon be sending another little care package because I called him from the Target asking certain revealing questions about sweets, but if you don't shape up, I may poke some holes in the box and ship your furry little ass to him. Since you would take up the space where the yummies would be, I guess I wouldn't be able to send them to him after all, and I'd have to eat them myself. In a pee-free home.

Alternate option? I'll send you to Lou because he's commented a time or two about kitty being the other, other white meat, or something, and you would make for a mean kitty Fricassée dish.

Just. Stop. Peeing. On. My. Stuff.

The Mama-Kitteh


  1. Too funny Maggie! Now if only she'll pay attention... I need the bf to read this b/c he's convinced that only male cats pee in the house.

  2. The peeing? That'd be a deal breaker. Gak!

  3. Peeing! A great post as always! Thanks! :)

  4. As I have said before, "I LOVE cats. Especially the white meat."

    Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

  5. "...somebody peed my pants. And it wasn't me." HAHAHA!!!!! That was too funny.
    Not the actually peeing of course. Sassy kitty!

  6. Maybe you should hang a picture of a red neck hunter next to your pants as a threat. Or maybe it'll just give her something else to pee on.

    Thanks for the laugh. Great post!

  7. HAHAHA I love how this progressively got more angry at the end.

  8. hahahaha!

    Someone peed your pants and it wasn't you!! How funny is that line!

    But sorry bout your pants. Boy that must have blew your top to know that the outfit you specially picked to wear today for work was peed on! That would get my goat. (I said that because I really don't get enough chances to say "get my goat" that often. Thank you for the opportunity.)

    Very funny letter!

  9. SNARF! that's hilarious. but sucky. sorry she pissed on your shit. I mean stuff.

  10. I think I just peed MY pants! Too funny!
    I had a cat like that - especially liked peeing on my husbands briefcase - infuriating!

  11. I had cats once (ok, kid's had cats). They peed in a corner. Then they peed on the back of the couch. Then they peed on my clothes. Then they went to live in new homes. That was nearly 20 years ago. Never had a cat since.

  12. I hope you haven't peed your pants lately... well unless you endulged and had way to many of your new favorite beer!!! HA, HA, HA!!! Great story! It kind of reminds me of a little story I have about my husband and one of our dogs (I am laughing just thinking about it) I'll have to share it on of these days!!!

  13. I love my "Big girl" kitty too! I can't believe that Tom is still away! The "apartness" must be killing you. I hope you guys are reinunited soon.

  14. Ah you have a feline jokester eh. Sounds like a piss poor sense of humor LOL. I loved this post, too funny, not funny for you I know.

    PS, I sent you some link love.

  15. lordy, lordy, if only kitties could read. but hilarious, sorry.....

  16. Speaking from experience, you must spray liberal amounts of Shout or some other such pre-wash stain remover crap on any and all specks of material in said pants that might have possibly, quite remotely, had even a single tiny drop of cat pee touch it.

    Otherwise, throw them in the trash because they will forever smell of the shit – I mean piss.

    As a side note, cats are considered quite edible in some countries. Just sayin’

  17. Haha! Poor Maggie. You are so patient -- I would have sent that cat out the door long ago, no matter whose baby it was. And I would fully expect, if my cat starting peeing everywhere, that my husband would give my (much beloved) cat the boot.

  18. That's hilarious.

    I am dreadfully allergic to cats, so there will be none at my house!

    I did stay at a friends house one night and her cat actually peed on my pillow! Gross.


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